The Mistakes We Make
by 5 Minutes to Happy
Summary: Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you've come. Remember everything you've faced, all the battles you've won, all the fears you've overcome.-unknown


Bright beams of light broke through the jarred opening of the hotel's curtains almost blinding her as her eyes tried desperately to take in her current surroundings. Pain radiated from temple to temple as her sight centered in on the empty gin bottle propped against the wall, the pestilent wedge of the fabrics permitting for the assault on her senses. Groaning at the rush of memories from the previous night, the consumption of bottle being the star of the show, had her stomach lurching at the resulting rumbling. Closing her eyes, she collapsed backwards onto the bed, bile climbing her throat leaving a burn familiar to that of the one in her heart. Tears escaped as she remembered the catalyst of her binge drinking session in the mostly unfamiliar hotel room in the middle of New York City.

 _Calliope._

God! Arizona just knew she'd get her heart broken, it was her biggest fear. And for two years, it's what kept her safely on the other side of the country. Not _just_ her heart being destroyed but being left with nothing, nobody. Her life was on the West Coast, friends, those she called family. Sure, her daughter was out on this coast but this was Sofia's home, not hers.

It was supposed to be hers.

More tears pricked at her eyes. Arizona had no idea what the next move was supposed to be. How could they co-parent after this, at least civilly? Beyond the tears, Arizona could feel herself flush with shame. She always said horrible things in the heat of the moment and there was a lot of heat. She knew she wasn't all to blame, Callie had never been one to back down from a fight and Callie stood her ground as well.

But that look on Callie's face when Arizona grabbed her purse and walked out, it haunted Arizona. No matter how much gin she drank, she couldn't erase that memory. It was burned into her corneas.

And then Arizona felt another wave of lonely grief crashing over her and her anger switched back to its intended object, Callie. How could Arizona be so stupid as to trust her again? They'd already hit three strikes, they were out. What the hell were they thinking by trying again?

Sure, the past two years of long distance courting and dating were great. Not easy with the miles between them but still doable. The long weekends together, family and couple-alone vacations were always romantic and perfect and everything about their time together so bittersweet. But while Arizona hated going to sleep alone at night and had no one to hold her when things were just too hard, no one to scare away the bad dreams, their predicament was safe. There was an entire country between them so if it failed, they both had their own lives to return to without being alone.

And now, here Arizona was, 2500 miles from safety, all alone. Her worst fears turned reality. Callie had asked her a few times over the months after they had finally acted on their feelings to move to New York and in the beginning, Arizona was more than willing. But then Callie didn't make enough of an effort for Arizona's liking and fears, unstoppable, crept past Arizona's defenses. She wasn't sure if she didn't trust Callie, or _them_ , but it didn't matter because it was now there, firmly planted in her mind. Arizona knew deep down that Callie stalled on her divorce, not because she wanted to be with Penny or because she didn't want Arizona enough, it was a huge slam to Callie's self-worth. Three failed marriages. She knew Callie was scared. She was scared of hurting people, she was scared of being hurt, she was scared she deserved to be alone. She was scared to be a single mom of 2 young girls. Her fears were all logical but so were Arizona's. It took Arizona a bit to be honest and disclose her fears over what felt like to Arizona, Callie's reluctance and once out in the open, Callie did everything right and even more of what Arizona needed. But that fear never truly went away.

Obviously, Arizona was right, she huffed, crossing her arms over her chest, a scowl prominent on her face.

True, she was the one who proposed their cohabitation this last time but that's only because she knew Callie had given up asking. The ball was now in Arizona's court. And when Herman offered her this job, here in New York City, Arizona saw it as a sign. There would be stability from the start, no relying on Callie until she was happily employed. No needing Callie's pull to find her something. This made it all on Arizona's terms and she'd need nothing from Callie, just in case.

Except she forgot one little thing, she needed Callie to handle her heart with fragile care. And now, here she was, her biggest fear laid out for all to see.

Why the hell was she so afraid? Yes, they were obviously valid concerns, now, but that didn't stop her from wondering if those fears helped sabotage this before they even had a chance. She never did truly let Callie in about them and if she had, she knew Callie would have done everything in her power to figure out a way through this.

"God," Arizona's groan was interrupted by a knock at the door.

Not knowing the time, Arizona feared it was the hotel cleaning staff. She couldn't remember if she put out the Do Not Disturb tag and by the brightness of the sun, it was obviously around mid-morning when occupants were usually out of their rooms. Occupants who had a place to go, Arizona frowned. Without bothering to look through the peephole, Arizona pulled open the door to let them know she'd be fine today except she was instead greeted with outstretched arms, a bottle of water in one hand and a greasy paper bag in the other.

"It's a fried egg sandwich and some electrolyte water," Callie shoved them into Arizona's shocked arms. "I figured you'd need both after …" Callie's head motioned toward the alcohol bottle in full view of the door, there was no need for her to finish her thought.

Shame colored Arizona's cheeks.

She opened and closed her mouth as her brain finally kick started. _Callie was standing in front of her, after she'd walked out, with some kind of peace offering?_ "How…?" she finally managed to sputter out.

Callie smiled a genuine smile, "I have my ways." Which was true except Arizona just made it much easier when she ordered pizza from their usual joint and gave a different address than their caller ID showed. They called the landline at the house to make certain their credit card and phone number hadn't been hacked. Especially with a pineapple and anchovy pizza order, they swore it had to be a joke. Once Callie confirmed it was legit, getting Arizona's whereabouts from them in the process, Callie hatched her own plan. Arizona was obviously already into a bottle of something, she only ate that pizza topping combination when she was drunk, so Callie knew it was best to wait until morning. A drunken confrontation would not end well. In the morning, she'd take over the hangover necessities, have her say, and when she got home from work they'd figure out a way to avoid this in the future. Arizona was not allowed to walk out when she was scared. Callie was scared, too. Of everything, her own shadow included, but damn it, they were going to be scared together.

Yes, Callie could have handled yesterday's fight better, she knew that, but she always felt on the defensive with Arizona. Arizona held everything for Callie and Callie felt as if she constantly was defending Arizona's choice to be with her. It was exhausting. For both of them. It was a nasty circle they weren't going to get caught in this time around.

"How Callie?" Arizona asked with more conviction in her voice this time. How had Callie found her and why was she here and why did she find her? The questions ran through her brain so fast she couldn't keep up.

"Look, we had a fight. It sure wasn't our first and it won't be our last but we talk it out, we don't walk out." Callie's eyes glassed over with unshed tears.

"But you said, 'maybe this was a bad idea'," Arizona's voice was raw with emotion.

Callie hung her head as she realized her poor choice of words and bad timing spun this all out of control. "Yes, I did but you didn't let me finish before you accused me of being selfish along with a few other pretty nasty things and then you walked out, Arizona. That's not what was meant at all. Having a conversation with you over Sofia going with her sister to Penny's for a few weeks this summer was _the_ bad idea, not us. Never us. I know you don't like Penny but she's a good mom and Sofia does love her and I thought maybe it would give us some time together, just us." Callie tried to explain.

"That's what you meant?" Arizona felt foolish that once again their miscommunication blew up in their faces.

"Yes," Callie nodded vigorously, "I quickly realized it was a bad idea when you tensed up as I brought it up. Bad choice of words and I'm sorry." Callie glanced at her watch in an attempt to hide her tears. Blinking several times, she looked up. "I gotta get to work, um … I'll see you at home tonight."

Arizona knew it wasn't a suggestion nor a question.

Turning away, Callie paused and swiftly turned back, crushing Arizona in a hug. "I love you." Callie whispered softly in her ear before she let go. "Um, I told the girls you went into work for an emergency when they asked where you were this morning." Callie shrugged, a little embarrassed about the whole thing, and started for the elevator.

"Callie," Arizona hollered after her. As Callie turned, Arizona blurted out, "I'm scared. I'm scared I'll end up alone out here."

"I know but you aren't going to end up alone, not without me by your side." There was a twinkle in Callie's eye.

Arizona knew Callie was teasing because it was how she chose to handle these particular feelings but there was confirmation in the joke that only Arizona would catch. They … _they,_ weren't going anywhere, this was it for both of them.

"I'm sorry I doubted you, me, us." Arizona admitted quietly.

Shaking her head, Callie gave Arizona a solemn look. "We'll call it a growing moment for both of us." It hurt, a lot, Arizona's lack of faith in her, but Callie intended to make sure it didn't happen again. Smiling again, Callie nodded, "I'll see you tonight."


End file.
